Victims running for their lives- is domestic violence on the increase?

Even though I don't directly deal with Domestic violence issues like organisations such as Baobab for Women's Human Rights and Project Alert on violence Against Women in Nigeria that do not only provide legal services for the victims but also counselling, mediation or shelter as the case may be, I still get to refer people or give links to vicitms friends and family via emails, phone calls or social media. My referral role is getting on the increase to my surprise. Does this mean many women are increasingly getting abused in their relationships or they or their family are just getting hold of help links like this?

I won't get into the unprofessional habit of divulging people's secret or identity since I didn't ask their permission but I will say on the safer side that some of the cases that I have had to refer are so pathetic! Some of the victims of spousal abuse have being enduring this act of destruction to their health and being for many years. They only get to seek help when this is about to claim their lives. Some of these victims can be counted lucky that they did not lose their lives while hoping their husbands will change or while hoping they made the right decision by waiting to take care of thier children in this abusive settings.


A banker, Titilayo Arowolo was killed on the 24th of June, 2011. Titilayo was stabbed 20 times according to the report and she was also hit by a sledge hammer. Her internal organs were found on the floor and her husband was suspected to have killed her. Some say for ritual or was a spiritual attack of which blogger Anna Wunmi Fani responded 'Hmmm, spiritual attack???!!!!! Everything in naija is related to spiritual attack. When will people start owning their bullshit and stop blaming the devil for their actions. We need to start equipping women with tools on how to deal with domestic abuse, both physical and mental. It is NOT OK for a man to hit a woman. Only a spineless, despicable coward hits women!' What was so interesting about this story was the fact that Akolade Arowolo and wife had being having issues in the past to the knowledge of Titilayo's and Akolade' families but nothing critical was done!


It is rather of importance to keep one's life and protect oneself from abuse and violence than keep a marriage or relationship that will take one's life. As suggested by the executive Director of Kudirat Initiative for Democracy (KIND), Amy Oyekunle, it is time to go on the campaign offensive that lives can be lost to domestic violence and to provide information to women or men that might be enduring such act of violence. Really, won't it make sense for victims of domestic violence to first run for their lives and then decide where to go from there? The Domestic violence Bill ( the Violence Against Persons (Prohibition) Bill) has being passed in Lagos but never at the Federal level. Since we have to be our own watch -dog and protector before seeking state help or asking a third party to help, we need to take a solid protective stand and run for our dear lives instead of enduring domestic abuse/violence.


N: B - the above image is from Tess Wigwe's case

DO something, SAY something - Original Article by Fungai Rufaro Machirori

Note: This is a recirculation of this post by a Zimbabwean Blogger Fungai- Visit her blog

This shouldn’t be happening in 2010.

In fact, it shouldn’t be happening ever.

When I saw the images of this woman’s plight, I felt my heart plummet into my bowels. I felt the anger seeping into my blood. I asked myself if it was possible that a man could be so heartless as to inflict such pain onto another human being, especially since in my last post, I so fervently celebrated the joys of having men in the world.

Over the weekend, I received an email from the Zimbabwe Gender Forum about a young woman who was recently attacked by her husband. In the physical battle that ensued, he plucked out her hair and caused so much damage to her abdomen that she needed an operation to reorder her intestines which had premusbaly unravelled and torn due to the impact. The same woman was hospitalised at one of Harare’s hospitals while her husband was remanded in custody. And the story only gets worse. The hospital where she received treatment detained her for failure to pay her medical bills. Only through the efforts of Musasa Project (an organisation working to end gender-based violence) did she finally receive assistance.
What kind of a health system is that anyway? What has the world come to when those who have already suffered oppression at the hands of an individual must also suffer oppression at the hands of a system?!!
What would have happened to this woman – also the mother of two children below the age of 5 – if no one had been there to help her? Does anyone care?! I am very worried by this situation on many levels because it just reflects the ugliness of our society. Zimbabwe has had a Domestic Violence Act in place for over 3 years now but implementation thereof is still a massive challenge due to lack of financial and political commitment. Men still get off scott-free if they know the right buttons to press within the system. A bribe here and there and a whole docket of information can disappear from the police records.


What social protection do we as women therefore have? In June, I was at Harare’s ONLY adult rape clinic and learnt with shock, anguish and fear that the centre is facing severe funding shortfalls and due to to this cannot expand its services to become a 24-hour service to provide full attention to rape survivors. For now, the clinic only operates on week days from 8am-4pm. This means that if you are raped on a Friday evening, you can only get assistance from the clinic the following Monday morning. And because the nature of a rape investigation entails the survivor keeping evidence of the incident on their body, one must not wash off the traces of semen and sperm from their body until they can be examined.

A woman at the clinic had to endure that plight – just take a moment to imagine how horrendous that would feel. The shame, the reminder of it all, the smell, the feeling of filth covered all over you.By the time she could be attended to on the Monday morning, the staff at the clinic described her as “stinking”. What protection do we as women have from our men, from a patriarchal society that keeps telling us it’s all our fault for not being good enough women, that we deserve a bashing every now and then to keep us one th straight and narrow?


Men, you are both the problem and the solution. Value us as human beings. Respect our bodies as the vessles that house our souls, our creativity, our womanhood.
Do not invade us.
Do not kill us.
We are your sisters. And you are our brothers.
I began this post with a story that shouldn’t be told in 2010. The pictures of this tragedy shouldn’t exist. I shouldn’t even be writing this all.
But I am. Are you going to do anything about it? Or are you just going to close your eyes and walk away from it all?
Do something! Say something!
Help spread the word that this is not acceptable.

Interview Thursday:"No one tried to help me when I was raped.I tried to reach out to my best friend at the time but she completely backed off"- Adaeze

She is poised and elegant with a dream of making a huge impact in her generation. Her rape experience did not deter her from thinking and believing in herself and in others, though traumatized, she has heaed. I am happy to have Admirable Adaeze share with us on "Interview Thursday"

Tell us about your origin and your love for Nigeria.

My origin is complicated, to say the least. There are so many mixes in there that I can’t keep track.I have Jewish, Hispanic, French and Scandinavian blood in me to name a few. I grew up in Norway, my mother grew up in the US, Netherlands, France and England, and we always travelled a lot. I’ve always been viewed as a foreigner wherever I go. People can never determine where I’m really from and I've gotten the weirdest suggestions..some people think I'm carribean, others think I'm brazilian, others think I'm arab, lol. I believe all my experiences and the fact I do not have a single place to call “home”, has given me a unique perspective on culture and nationality.

I’ve learnt how to view people for who they are and never let religion and nationality cloud my judgement. I think it’s also made me very open-minded and humble. I tend to see people’s common ground rather than their differences and I am always everyone’s conflict-solver. Where other people see problems I see possibilities. My love for Nigeria stems from the fact that I feel it is the first place I’ve ever stayed that really received me with open arms. I feel at home there and take it as my home now. Sure, there are downsides like there is in every country, but I have met so many loving, strong and amazing people. People are warm and alive and in touch. I love that. I can only pray that the political future of Nigeria is better than the past, so the full potential of her people can really be tapped into.

What is marriage to you?

Hmm.. Ideologically a marriage should be a journey between two individuals. They should both keep their individual identities but also have a third identity of "us". Being unified is incredibly important to me.

Marriage is not a perfect dance on roses, but a journey. It's about growing together in parallel curve. It's about respecting each other equally. It’s about rediscovering yourself on another level and learn from each other. Discover your weaknesses and strengths and know how to come strong where your spouse comes weak. No one is born with a built-in manual on how to succeed in a relationship. Life is never easy for anyone, but your marriage should be that safe haven where all the worst trouble goes away. Your spouse should be the person you want to come to whenever you get too tired to keep up the facade for everyone else. Marriage can be a journey of patience, but should be balanced with sense.

Though marriage, relationship and its expectations defer from culture to culture and some people feel respect is when you feel subservient to your spouse, do you agree with this and if not, what is respect to you?The way I interpret the word subservient my answer is no, I do not think subservience is equivalent to respect. To me subservience is abject obedience. My husband will never benefit from me lying to myself about my own opinions only to “agree” with his. Respect is a lot of things. There are many fine nuances. In marriage, respect is accepting that your spouse may not agree with you on absolutely everything. Respect is allowing your spouse to be themselves and do things they need to do for themselves even if you do not understand. All with sense of course. Respect is restraining and controlling yourself if you’re about to lose control out of frustration or anger. Respect is making something important to you just because it’s important to your spouse. Respect for your spouse is also respect for yourself.In my marriage I’ve found out that it has to do with standing my ground on things that are extremely important to me. If I didn’t do that, my husband would lose me. By losing me I mean, the woman he knows as his wife would no longer exist. He fell in love with my originality and individuality. I can’t bargain on my principles. However, this does not mean I will never let him “win”. If something is very important to him and I disagree, I’ll bail, as long as it doesn’t go against my core principles. I expect him to do the same. If not – my flexibility would be reduced. Luckily that’s never happened with me. If my man had opinions against my core principles we’d never get married in the first place, no be so? Respect is also about talking in a nice manner to one another even in the heat of an argument. True respect to me is also when you are willing to set your own views aside and honestly consider the other persons point of view.

Domestic violence is a big issue world over, though it's more prevalent in some countries than the other, what is your view about domestic violence?

Domestic violence is a problem that persists in all countries regardless of class, religion and ethnic borders. A common denominator is that statistically, chances are that most of the cases of domestic violence are not even recorded. It’s incredibly common. I think that it stems from a various number of problems. People don’t learn how to communicate well enough, especially men who are not used to talking about their feelings. Men without good role models (read: absent or violent fathers) but also women who never learnt their worth. I guess domestic abuse can also be more accepted in certain cultures and in these cases that acceptance is a huge contributor.

Do you think the victim, mostly women is to be blame for any kind of abuse they receive from their spouse?A woman is never to blame for abuse. Never. Although I completely understand why women end up staying with abusing spouses, unfortunately THEY are as adults responsible for choosing to stay in the relationship. It’s their job to be strong and protect their children if they have to, and get away. I think unfortunately, sometimes women unknowingly enable men to be more violent because they show them no consequences for their actions. But every case of domestic abuse is different. It’s not always a woman CAN do anything at all. I know what it’s like to be afraid of a man and I do not blame women for being too terrified. I think it’s impossible to give one straight answer to this question. Sometimes women need to stop kidding themselves and stand up, other times they are left powerless. That is why we need to fight this in all local communities

What are ways to prevent domestic violence?First: DISCLOSURE. We all need to talk about it. Secondly, we need to bring the men into the discussion. Women need to stop discussing this alone. Men need to join the battle for their sisters, mothers and daughters and stop thinking that this is not their battle to fight just because they themselves aren’t abusive. We need to create a zero-tolerance for domestic abuse and make it less taboo for men to be open about their problems. I think abusing men coming out to talk about their issues could help others. We need to understand what’s going on within them too. This is where all our non-abusive brothers can help out. We need to create awareness and educate everyone on the terrible long term effects domestic abuse has on everyone in the family. We also need to do damage control on children who has lived/lives in abusive homes.

You are passionate about women's human rights, what steps are you taking to contribute your qoutas?So far I have not been able to do as much as I want to, but I am a young woman. I have plans for the future. When I finish my education and grow older I would like to start up a centre in Nigeria for abused women and their families. But I’d also like to work on disclosure as mentioned earlier. Work on a tactic to get men more involved. I think that will be harder because Nigeria as a whole is still such a male-dominated country. But we have to start from somewhere. My mother’s best friend has worked with violent men and rehabilitation for many years – I think I am going to ask her for advice! Another way I keep working on contributing with my quotas is motivating all women around me to know their rights and their worth. All of this can not be stressed enough.

There have being a lot of criticism on feminism work as well as the women's right defenders, do you think the movement is unnecessary that there is nothing to fight for?Absolutely not. The whole world, including all the “developed” countries still have a long way to go. I have been privileged to grow up in a country with a huge focus on equality. Still, here we have problems to fix. We need more equal salary, we need more respect for a woman’s wish to have a family and not let that result in any repercussions career- or job wise. More importantly, other parts of the world have a long way to go in recognising women's rights. Women deserve to not be viewed as only a vessel to carry children into the world. I say this because I know even today, a woman who for example is infertile will be looked down upon. Her husband might go and find another woman to bear children. I don’t think this is right. It’s hard enough for a woman to suffer the loss of fertility. Women also need to become more dominant in leaderships positions both politically and on the private market so that they can fight for better practices and laws concerning women’s rights.

What does culture mean to you?

Big question! Culture means to me…a pattern of belief and behaviour, a set of values and social practices, combined with language, music and art. It is incredibly important to maintain the wonderful diversity we have on earth. First of all, lack of diversity is boring. Secondly, we would probably lose some perspective as we would have no one to compare ourselves against. It’s important to have perspective so one can criticize aspects of culture that needs improvement. The dominant way is not always the best way. There are things I like about western culture, but western culture also lacks some very important features that for example a typical culture for a less developed country has. Examples of this are caring for the elders and family values. We all need to get off our high horse to learn from each other and get the best of both worlds. That is what I have always viewed my intercultural marriage to be- we get to take the best from each others cultures, blend them into one lovely mix.

In any cuture, do you think there are necessary things to keep or expunge, can you identify them?I think language is incredibly important to keep. . Language is important because language is the link to your culture and your forefathers. There are certain things that could only best be said in your own language. If we allow English language to completely dominate the entire world, their culture would take completely over (which it already has) and people lose part of their roots. When people lose their roots, they sometimes lose meaning as well. Imagine this; an Igbo family moves abroad – they don’t teach their kids Igbo and their kids don’t feel as strongly connected to their homeland as they should. When they in turn get kids – how connected will their kids be to the land of their grand-parents? Language is crucial when it comes to understanding.Any practice that doesn’t hurt anyone, I think should be kept. But old, traditional nonsensical ideas based on ignorance should of course be expunged. I think the challenge lies in combining renewal while at the same time maintaining culture. Examples of things that should be expunged is circumcision on women, marriage based on ethnicity/kinship, superstitious beliefs and practices (example ogbanje) etc etc. But there’s nothing wrong with masquerades and ancient tales being told to future generations, traditional marriage celebrations or other harmless traditions.

You recently posted a touching story of how you were raped at 14, did anyone try to help you get through the bitter experience?No one tried to help me. I tried to reach out to my best friend at the time but she completely backed off. But in everyone’s defence, there’s no how I could have gotten help because I was afraid to tell anyone. My mother, once she found out 2 years later, wanted to help but I was in so much distress at the time that I did not let her.

How can we help younger girls from getting raped?

Again, bring in the men. And bring in the women when it comes to taking responsibility in raising their children. I see so many girls getting kids for all the wrong reasons with the wrong men. They aren’t too stupid to see the man is never going to care. Often I see that they end up not caring either, however that is possible. I always look at the cute little boy and girl and wonder how they’ll end up. Every rapist has a mother and once used to be an innocent little boy. 

I am sorry you had to go through something so wicked, has this in anyway affected your feeling for men?It definitely has. I am quick to get scared. The other day my co-worker was dropping me off at the bus station, he took an alternate route and my mind started wondering if he was going to stop in some hidden area to do something to me. I felt so bad for thinking that because the man is totally innocent and good minded. For years it was easier to generalise and think everyone only wanted sex. That is still an impression I have because whenever someone hits me up it’s always about sex. It’s made me think that far more men than I thought are capable of rape. It’s made the relationship between my husband and I more difficult because of my fears and insecurities, because of my memories. It’s made me less of a dare-devil with the most trivial things like amusement parks. Anything that brings that tingly feeling of anxiousness I tend to stay away from. Mentally it’s been and still is a big battle for me to win. I used to be very confused before. The rules of my world had been turned upside down and I needed to find out again what is right and wrong. It’s easy to devalue yourself and start seeing yourself as what they see you as – just a piece of meat. But I thank God I never gave into that voice in the back of my head.