Wednesday, June 25, 2008

When will the violence stop?

She was pregnant and the beating went on. She was always weak and tired but she could not tell anyone what her loving husband does to her. He beat her up at every chance he got. Even the fact that she was carrying their second child did not alter the pattern. One day, after the delivery of their baby, she was beating again!!! Something turned her head that day for she picked up a coca-cola bottle using all her strength; she broke it on her husband’s head!
This is the story of WOMAN “A”
 
She assumed the role of the breadwinner of the family. For better for worse they say. Hubby lost his job but that didn’t deter her from doing all in her power to put food on the table for her family. By 4:30am she is up to care for the children before leaving for work at 6:00 am everyday. She would come home in the evening to prepare their dinner. The fact that her husband was in the house all day did not alter her role of cooking the dinner no matter how late she got back from work. On top of all her effort not to make her family suffer, she was constantly beating up by the love of her life. She was beating today as usual, her siblings had to phone one another to come and rescue their beloved sister in the hands of the monster called her husband. The only means they know of rescuing her is to give her husband his own taste of medicine. They beat him till he shit!
That went the story of WOMAN “B”.

Discharged from the hospital, from an accident that nearly claimed her life. She lost members of her family in this accident. They were all in the same bus that was gutted by fire. She was the only surviving person. She left the hospital in a fairly good shape at last but still she was traumatized. She would still need to see a psychologist though she wasn’t sure how she would find or pay for one. She left for her home to begin the recovery process but her husband saw to it that she got NO rest. She was beating up the first day she got home! He ignored the neck brace on her by dishing out hot slaps on her already damaged and broken body. Alas, the neighbours could not watch this maltreatment any more. They took law into their hands and beat her sweet love till he fainted! 
That was how WOMAN “C” was treated.

“I have come to report my husband sir, he wants to kill me, see the bruises on my body from the beating” she cried to the police officer she met at the police station near her house. The police officer looked at her for a moment with no compassion reflected on his face and barked at her; “What did you do? A beg, e be your husband and this is a domestic matter, go back and resolve it between you 2”. She was dumbstruck. “So, the law cannot protect me?” She thought to herself as she turned her back on the police station. She did not live long after that. She died in the hands of her husband when she was receiving her last beating. 
WOMAN D got no protection.

On the street, she was stopped, before she could say "Obama", she saw the rains of slaps baptizing her already disfigured face. She recognised her violator, her husband!!! The same beast she is being running from for Months now. “Where are my children? You left my house with my 5 children, I will kill you today”. He said to his wife as he dragged her across the street. “What did you do?” “How can you abandon your husband?” Asewo/ ashawo/ prostitute go back to your husband” “Don‘t let her escape again o, useless woman”. These are all the comforting words she got from the street sellers and passers-by.
What is now the fate of WOMAN E?

When will these violence stop/end? When will it be told to the perpetrators and their accomplices that “THERE IS NO JUSTIFICATION FOR ANY VIOLENCE COMMITTED AGAINST WOMEN?

49 comments:

aloted said...

Hmm this post really got me thinking...when will it stop indeed? will it ever stop???

This is a serious issue that needs trashing out on family and goverment levels...

May God deliver women from the abuse of wicked men.

Today's ranting said...

Hmmm this is what women face in our society daily.Domestic violence is rife everywhere and women tend to be victims. Stop the violence!!!

Afrobabe said...

Wow...women have to stand up against violence...my friend left her less than a yr marriage as her husband was beating her...pregnancy and all....she is better off...

Jarrai said...

I am overwhelmed with sadness reading this...seriously all the hairs at the back of my neck are standing to attention

The first thing that comes to mind is to shout and scream...why are these women staying...However i know nothing is black and white

There should be support and a way out for these women...it is not right. No one deserves to be beaten...:(((

Jarrai said...

This is really too much...how can you beat your wife...while she is carrying your child. Infact how can you raise your hand againt anyone especially the one you vowed to love and protect for better and worse...

There are no punishments in place for this kind of abuse it seems...any man beating a woman need his ass kicked!!!

Sorry, i go into feminist mode everytime i read this kind of thing. Just enrages me

Free-flowing Florida said...

it is horrible wot women go 2ru. i was reading dis book, by Stephen King, where n d old days of America it was called 'home correction'. So dis woman, d heroine, her husband had beat her one time too often & she took matters n2 her own hands. she ddnt call n her brothers. or neigbhours, od d police. no. she simply wooped him herself. she took him by surprise. & dat was d last day he hit her again. he'd make threats of it, & she'd remind him dat she told him dat d day he touched her would b d day he'd b sorry!

sometimes, we ladies need 2 take matters n2 our own hands. don't let it happen d first time, & if it does don't accept his apologies! even if he swears he'd never do it again. he will. after all, he got away wit it d first time! i warned MM dat d worst thing he can do 2 me, next 2 cheating on me, is hitting me. & dat i won't take dat 4rm him! ever! & i won't. no amt of love will blind me 2 such!

The Last King Of Scotland said...

no matter how accomplished a man is...once i know he is a wife beater my respect diminishes. what happened to walking away or going to ur friends when u are upset. why lash out at the poor woman. i abhor it

Mz. Dee said...

When I was 10, i spent a summer with my aunt in denmark. She was pregnant for her Danish husband with their first child. It was the 7th moth of the pregnancy and the man beat her into labour.

I was sleepin over at my new friend's house whose mother is bestfriends with my aunt. My aunt sumhw managed to dial my friend's mother and we quickly rushed to the house and to the hospital. She gave birth prematurely to a beautiful babygurl.

The man went scott-free and even had the audacity to demand for custody of his daughter. Thank god he didnt get it. My aunt is a strong, single woman and she has never let another man mess her up the way her husband did.

Women need to take a stand. And the law needz to protect them too.

NigerianDramaQueen said...

When will the violence end?
-When women stop being afraid to air their 'dirty laundary' in public and start speaking out and standing tall
-When women in power start putting laws and repercautions in place
-When there are facilities and resources for abused women who have no place to turn to

...Then and only then, can we begin to discuss bringing these acts of barbarism to an end

Kemmie said...

this seems unreal, scary but i know it happens everyday....in many communities. i hate men that hit their women..I lose all respect. It's like I want to spit their face....Long live the Activist!

*How's it going, dear?

blackwomenblowthetrumpet.blogspot.com said...

Hello everyone! {waves}

Thank you for this message, StandTall!

I really think that women MUST begin to be a support network for women who are battered. Often, if a woman says that she is battered and she mentions it to the other women in the church, no one LOUDLY opposes the husband. They listen and they may give advice but they usually WILL NOT make a stand collectively and LOUDLY on behalf of the woman who is battered.

We need to think about how we respond to abuse situations and we need to stop thinking that it's someone's private business of their own home...no...the safety of women is OUR mutual concern!

Peace, blessings and DUNAMIS!
Lisa

Jinta said...

violence begets violence and must be condemned, but people, let us balance the discussion. I can tell you stories of nigerian women here who bring their boyfriends unto their marital beds while their husbands are at home!; of women that manipulate the law to relieve their men of properties they worked all their life to acquire; to me, that is also violence, whether physical abuse or mental torture. sorry folks, i refuse to condemn violence against just one gender - i condemn all violence

LG said...

hmmmmm *shakes head* i m wit NDQ,

swerry eku ojo,
i ve update o

Standtall said...

@Aloted: I said amen to that. God had given us the power to effect changes in our society if we choose to and this goes for people that would see injustice perpetrated on one person and would turn a blind eye.

@ Today’s ranting: Yes, mi-lady the violence has to be stopped. Though I am focused on physical but there are so many other forms of violence that women endure daily. There are some organizations working to put an end to this and rescue the women involved but some women because of the fear of the unknown would choose to keep quiet.

@ Afrobabe: your friend did the right thing. And I agree with you, she is better off

@ Jarrai: I thought it through too about why some women would stay and endure this act. I believe is because some have been told marriage is not easy and you have to endure. But common, there is common sense, and it should be used when necessary. There is law in place to protect the victims of abuse in Nigeria. It just seems to be ineffective but thank to some non-governmental organizations that are dedicated to this cause

@ Free-flowing Florida: If taking matters into our own hands means forming group to challenge government/stakeholders as to what need to be further done to protect women from this kind of treatment, then I agree with you. It takes you and I to effect the change really.

@ The Last King Of Scotland: good point you have here “No matter how accomplished a man is...once I know he is a wife beater my respect diminishes. What happened to walking away or going to your friends when u are upset. Why lash out at the poor woman?”. I wonder why a lot of people choose to support the perpetrators of this act instead of condemning it. I tell you, we are not perfect and by this I mean both man and woman. The only thing we need do in order to coexist peaceful to learn the “art of peaceful resolution of conflict”

@ Mz. Dee: How did the man that
maltreat your aunt go scot-free? Did she not report him to the authority? I thought this kind of law works better over there. Or am I wrong?
@ NigeriaDramaQueen: good point you have got here. But how do you think we can be part of “bring this violence to an end crusade”? What do you think we can do collectively and individually?

@ Kemmie: this is so real and this write up isn’t fiction. I tell you. Please don’t only lose respect for anyone that does this, see to it that something is done to save the woman. I am fine systa and you?

@Blackwomenblowthetrumpet.blogspot.com: Hi Lisa, good to read your contribution!!! I really do hope our mentality to abuse and its justification would change. I was at a church and the pastor first condemn violence against women via beating but later justified it by saying when some women would abuse their husband why not… And I think that mentality especially coming from a pastor is totally wrong. We need to look at ways of resolving conflict not justifying it!!! There are so many not for profit organizations in Nigeria working to put an end to this act but they are so little for so many task they have got!!! But it is good that we have started somewhere

@ Jinta: welcome brova!!! To start with, can you further explain what you meant by “violence begets violence”? This is confusing. Balancing this is good but I am limiting this discussion to physical violence and my target is women. Though I will digress since you have raised some point. Yes, I know it’s possible for some women to try and bring their boyfriends into their matrimonial homes but does that justify the beating and the killing? Whatever happens to divorce if you can’t resolve this? I know of women that got beaten for challenging their men for bringing their mistresses into their matrimonial beds!!! They have the audacity to still beat someone they cheated on!!! And so many men too have married for money and cheated their wives to their properties. Not that I am saying that 2 wrong makes a right. I am just saying that that mental abuse you mentioned is not limited to men. And yes, I condemn all violence too but we need to be focused especially on this rampant one. I welcome further discussion on this.

@ LG: what is NDQ? I don’t think I know the term. Don’t worry I know you have updated. You are on my bloglines reader. I know each time you update. I want you to contribute more to this discussion, it’s important.

NoLimit said...

I tell you what...any man that tries that with me will be pay with his manhood! and that is no empty threat.
Walahi I will enter gym for the guy and avoid him for the duration of my training...when I graduate form training as a proffessional "killa" aka black belter or what ever colour of belt!
then I will woze the life out him...kai I will woze him sotey it will become his daily breakfast after that I will chill and hope he'll become sensible enuff to respect me...when a man behaves like a baby...he should be treated like one!
Kai you just inspired me o...
off to blog...

Jaycee said...

*sigh*

Jarrai said...

LOL@ no limit....Ha!!! i like your style...black belt and all...lol lol

Mz. Dee said...

She did actually but corruption is everywhere mahn... they wanted to make her go thru a whole immigration process and she wasnt up for that seein as she had just had a baby.

Woomie O! said...

All these stories...hmmmnn...they remind me of some scenes in Vmonolouges...it's painful, really.

It's not love, it's stupidity...it's women misunderstanding their self worth.

Men who raise their fingers (even just the pinkie) on their wives, girlfriends, mistresses e.t.c are cowards, really.
They aren't real men.

And there aren't enough people to educate women on what to do and how to do it.

It goes waaay beyond protection...waaay beyong pepper sprays and nerve-gas (I have these things...i hope i never need to use them, especially on my boo)

I was moved to tears with the Vmonos...i wish that in every way possible, i can help these women - from A to E - all of them.

But, what do I do?
What CAN I do??
What can we do???

Charizard said...

gosh wow...this so sad mehhh...

w@ can I say?


STOP THE VIOLENCE!!!

Vera Ezimora said...

This is sad. I don't even know what to say. I have heard too many stories like that.

Meanwhile, I love what you did with your blog. Nice!

...And by the way, I'm still waiting for my blank check.

Atutupoyoyo said...

Domestic violence riles me. The debate of whether this is fact or fiction is irrelevant. These things happen each day. It is a sign of our times that when our politicans speak, domestic violence is not on the agenda. It has since been relegated by other more 'worthy' battles. Sad times.

Abbie said...

This is so sad and to think it happens evryday.

uNWrItten* said...

this was really well written and touching..
i love ur blog layout as well...

Courtney said...

THERE IS NO JUSTIFICATION FOR ANY VIOLENCE COMMITTED AGAINST WOMEN.

amen.

it really makes you think. i really dont understand violence. especially against women and children. it breaks my heart.

LG said...

haba dearie, u say make i contibute,
wat iF i say.... ITS A MAN'S WORLD,
u go flog me cane????????? *chuckles*
seriously, we dont kno half of wat d 'woman' goes thru in d society,n it increases by d second, *sigh*
*NDQ- nigeriadramaqueen

njoy ya weekend jare
ehen,i jus heard dat cat's pee glows in d dark, NA TRUE????

Standtall said...

@ LG: It’s good to have you expressed your mind. Really. May I proof to you that it’s a woman’s world? Assuming women choose to starve their families or rather choose topoison all the people they feed especially the men. Who will be left to carry on in the world? Who will become weak and lack strength to think and do stuff? I am just imagining ***wink***. Seriously it’s our world as God said in the beginning that He created them male and female and gave THEM not "him alone" dominion over everything. Cat pee glows in the dark. Wherever you got that from?

@Atutupoyoyo: Sad times indeed but we can make it happy times if we choose to. It’s just for people’s mentality to improve

@Abbie: yes mi-lady it happens everyday.

@ Unwritten: thanks a bunch. We can always hope for the best

@ Courtney: It breaks my heart in so many places too mi-lady

@ Jarrai: And no limit is a man. Just imagine what a woman would feel like doing to her tormentor if No limit can think this way.

@Charizard: You have said it all “Stop the violence”. When are you picking your kitten?

@ Mz. Dee: I do agree with you there is corruption everywhere. That is why good to always watch one’s back.

@Wommie O: Yeah, the V-Monologue really told our story and it was touching. All lot can be done by me and you though. You said there weren’t enough people educating women on what to do. If you educate one or two young girls, you have done something!!! Peace dear systa

@ Vera Ezimora: You this girl, when will you send your fax number and full names for the check to be written? Thanks for the compliment about my blog. Pls do not hesitate to help a systa in distress if you see any by recommending homes for their protections if you know of any.

@Jaycee: hmmmmm. The sound you made said it all

@No Limit! Kai, see what you are teaching the systers. I will keep this in mind. Thank you!!!

Jarrai said...

No limit is a man....respect :)

onydchic said...

All I really CAN do is sigh. This is a topic that depresses and tires me so much.

And we live in a society where it's almost fashionable to keep such issues to urself and face misery because apparently its better to be married and miserable than single and happy. For shame. :(

Afronuts said...

goodness! This is so sad. No wonder Im clinging tightly to wifey. when I hear of such experiences, they make me cringe!

Jaybabe said...

Oh God!

beloved said...

that is what women face daily on our soceity,but i think it is not only physical volence they face but also emotional and mental also. women need to stand up for women

Standtall said...

@ onydchic: I feel you but you we can make it stop collectively. Take for example if a lady is in a relationship and she is being slapped by the guy, she needs to bail cos he will do worse when they get marry. I think we need to be careful about our choices and to always try and encourage those in bad relationship to move on with their lives.

@ Jarrai: yeah

@ Afronut: Did you say wifey? Are you married? So, you can’t even tell us. Na wa o

@ Jaybabe: hmmmmmm. I know are you feel

@ Beloved: yes, I agree, we need to stand up for ourselves. Keep it coming sis

Tairebabs said...

wow, this post was amazing. There is no justification for violence against women. So true. Unfortunately the violence continues. The police are sad to say, very unhelpful when it comes to this matter becos more often than not they claim its a domestic affair. I sometimes wonder where they get that from. Then there is the church (am very religious don't worry) that encourages the woman to stick to her husband no matter what. I disagree. Why stick with a beast. Anyman that can beat a pregnant woman is a beast is he not. Afterall we are told devil comes in different forms. Another major problem is the fact that there is really no one or place to turn to when these things happen except maybe your family.

I remember a girl at my university whose boyfriend (yes o boyfriend) used to beat her in public in the name of jealousy and she would stand there in the name of love. I never could understand it. The funny thing is that no one ever spoke up when he beat her in public. I remember people saying afterall the girl is there.

Baroque said...

i hate hearing these kind of stories, esp the ones where the man didnt get any back...sadly some of them die & nothing is done about it...i love it that they beat that man till he shit (they must have squeezed his small intestine) cool! anyway, na GOD hand we dey

BacktoNaija said...

Thank for that post standtall, I totally agree with nigerian drama queen. Nothing will change until we break the silence. This is a world phenomenon that cuts across cultures, class and race. God help us.
Jinta, even though I agree with you that all types of violence should be condemned, women battering is often ignored even though it's highly pervasive. I don't understand why most people sweep it under the rug!

Well if you know of anyone who needs help, there's an organisation called Project Alert Against Violence against Women in Lagos and Abuja. They provide both counselling and legal service and they also have a home for women who have no where to go in Lagos.
Their office is at 21 Akinsanya Street, Off Isheri Road, Ojodu, Ikeja phone: 01-7318373.

Their office in Abuja: 26 Bamenda Street, off abidjan street, Wuse Zone 3, Abuja. Phone no:09-8708618

Standtall said...

@ Tairebabs: I agree with you on not sticking to a violent marriage in the name of religion. Some churches are now telling the truth that divorce is okay in case of violence.

People should have come to the aid of that girl in ur university honestly. At times we need pple to encourage us and tell us it's not our fault.



@Baroque: yes we are in God hands and we should not hesistate to use the wisdom He deposited in us to deal with this kind of situation.

I was an exco in my hall in my part 2, and a lady came to report her ex-boyfriend, she called the relationship quit and the guy would not leave her. He was threatening her and delt her a dirty slap on campus one day. We took it up and the school authority made the guy sign that he would lose his studenship if he touches or goes near her again. I was happy!!!

@ Backtonaija: thanks for taking time to read this through. I am aware of Project Alert and I thought they are at 44 Alhaja Kofoworola Crescent, Ikeja. Have they relocated?

BacktoNaija said...

yes, Project Alett relocated ;)

Standtall said...

BacktoNaija: when did they relocate? I was there in April this yr

BacktoNaija said...

I think it was June.

BacktoNaija said...

In June.

Jinta said...

i remember this post and your question. i side-stepped 'cause i did not want it to get into a heated discussion

"I know it’s possible for some women to try and bring their boyfriends into their matrimonial homes but does that justify the beating and the killing?"

yes!

the most violent thing you can do to a man, i think, is to emancipate his dignity

i also acknowledge that you are talking just about women victims, but that partiality does not help the argument, in my opinion. it's like the political fashion in the uk now to talk about teenagers carrying knives and what to do with them, when they should be talking about everyone NOT carrying knives in order to solve the problem.

if a woman respects her husband, she deserves his respect and if he intentionally abuses her in any way, let's all turn and castigate the man.

when a woman has lost respect for her man - for whatever reason doesn't bother me - let her leave him and move on, not turn him into the area ridicle.

the same applies to a man. if he has no respect for his wife and is unable to love her, her should move on and not ridicle her.

for me, the woman is a man's crown, his strength and backbone and the eyes at the back of his head. she is also more perceptive, intuitive and generally has better judgement than the man. that makes women infinitely more valuable than men.

'for whom much is given...'

Standtall said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Standtall said...

Hmmmmmmmmmmm, like I said b4 my focus is on violence against women in this post because if you take the statistic around Nigeria, you will see that the reasons why women are being abused have nothing to do with not respecting their husbands or defiling their beds. I have seen cases of normal misunderstanding turning into the woman being killed.

Let me quickly go back to the point u raised. Much is expected of women because the society has forgotten that she is vulnerable too and that she is capable of making mistakes like everyone else. So, the society has made a terrible mistake in expecting too much from the woman!!!

I still don’t agree with you that women shd be abused cos she cheats or cos she disrespect her husband because for u to say so means you can do that to ur woman if she did the above. Whatever happens to parting ways? You even mentioned that yourself that if a woman is disrespected by her husband, she shd leave him, so why must he abuse her, why can’t he too quit the relationship? And again, if you are saying yes, many women forgave their husbands for cheating on them, for bringing other women into their homes. So, you would say they deserved to be beating by their wives for such an act?

I think I gave you this case senerio or if I have not, let me get back to it. A woman was badly injured in her home cos she challenged her husband for bringing another woman into their bed. What do you call that?

This society of ours is one sided and that is my point, they always feel, a man can get away with anything while a woman can’t. I refuse to succumb to that believe. If my hubby cheat, I am sure a lot of people will expect me to forgive him and not do anything but if I happen to do same, they will now remember I am his crown? That is called double standard in my own opinion and is that what you are rooting for my brova?

BTW, did u read the other comments on this post? If u take a moment u wld see that some of the women abused didnt cheat on thier spouses

Jinta said...

i'll begin from your last comment.

yes, i did read the other comments and yes, i do know that a lot of women are abused for no reason. i acknowledge that fact. i declare that it is wrong and abominable. i, however, insist that it does not diminish the fact that men are also abused.

the difference between men and women is that abusing men tend to be physically violent, while women do it mentally. take an objective look at all the middle class areas of lagos - surulere, ikeja, ilupeju - they are full of landladies becos their husbands are dead. i am not accusing them of killing their husbands, mind you, but the fact is that these men keep dying off.

Standtall said...

Hmmm very interesting insight my brova. We are both condemning this act of violence one way or the other. I am not going to support any violence against men for any reason to. What is not nor good for A should not be seeing as being good for B.

You might say u were not really saying the women killed their husbands but I could see that it was silently implied. Do you look into if they even built those houses together in the first place? Why would a woman want her husband dead? Then again why will a HAPPY woman wants her husband dead? I would rather be financially stable instead of relying on someone’s money or property marriage or not. You can now see why it’s relevant that issues concerning women are discussed because we need to be whole in every aspect of our lives so that we won’t be taken advantage of in anything and anyway.

I have seen so many case scenario of men that looked for trouble where there supposed to be none and killed themselves in the process of seeking pleasures, running after people’s wives and if they now die, will it be fair for anyone to just conclude that since “the men are dying off, their wives must be responsible”?

Its nice having this discussion with u as it has provided me with a new insight to a lot of issues. I will still live you with this conclusion that there is no justification for violence against women. No matter the situation, its better it’s taking up legally!!! You talked about men’s dignity, a dignified man would not resolve to an act of violence to deal with a situation no matter how terrible with his wife.

Peace and DUNAMIS my brova!!!

Standtall said...

@ Jarrai: I just discovered today that there is a Female " No Limit" and a male "No limit". The female obviously left the message I mistook for the male's

Standtall said...

@ Jarrai: I just discovered today that there is a Female " No Limit" and a male "No limit". The female obviously left the message I mistook for the male's

Teleza said...

Well said.

My Passion, my focus, the change that I want to see in the world - is my propellent factor.

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